I have a list. It exists in my head and it seems to have a perpetual motion all of its own.
The title of this list is "Thing I hope to get round to doing someday soon".
Well, in most cases 'Someday" never really comes or if it does theres usually another thing waiting to bump its way onto the bottom of the list to fill up whatever space was momentarily created.
It's a miserable grey day today. Theres no wind and the rain is falling in vertically, creating a transparent bead curtain. I keep looking out at my garden which is in dire need of attention. I left the trampoline in one place too long over the winter and it's left a muddy fairy ring where there should be grass. The girls toys are all over the place and the fence needs a good paint. It's pretty frustrating to look at but i find that my strength and determination is zapped just by the day to day existence of looking after three small people.
I have had to change my routine this week, now I'm having to cycle middle Onen to school while towing smallest Onen in a trailer on my bike. Its working out fine really, the timings are pretty good and I'm not having to push too hard...
But I'm exhausted. Partly because I'm unfit. Partly because I'm making ever bigger demands of myself.
And they are demands. I demand it of myself to achieve certain things in a day. Children dressed in clean clothes, fed sensible food (most of the time), clean, happy, sorted for the school day. Washing up and cooking done, laundry on and dried (putting away usually falls short, and don't ever mention ironing to me, that's reserved for special occasions...it would lose it's enigma if I did it too often). Work done to the best of my ability.
And in all of that, that I've taken time to love, to listen, to clean grazed knees and sort out squabbles and take pride in my wonderful little people.
But honestly if another thing goes wrong today I will cry.
My dear one lovingly reminds me that i'm "only human".
Because of the every day demands "the list" never seems to decrease. Damn it, I want to be Superwoman. Just for a week, a day even. I want to catch up with myself. To stop feeling like I'm constantly chasing my tail.
But I'm learning resilience and perseverance...
That's a good thing right?
